Home Elsewhere: Two Years in France

After nearly two years in France, I am continuing to adapt here. It’s not always easy and the progress is not always clear. From navigating cultural nuances to grappling with language barriers, living in France has proven both rewarding and challenging. In this ongoing series, Finding Home Elsewhere, I reflect on my experiences with French culture, the impact of the move from the U.S., and the surprises of culture shock.

In general, this newsletter is mostly about my experiences of French culture and an ongoing series of cultural (mis)understandings. I hope it will help some others to learn more about the process of moving, about the culture and history of modern France and to maybe have a pleasant time learning about a new culture.

People have been welcoming to us here, but I tend to joke that the only times I don’t have awkward social situations are when I leave the house. Nobody is ready for my accent here and I keep meaning to take some classes to improve it, but I need to take the time and focus. While it is helpful in other places, it is utterly essential in France and you want to know the language. Talking with folks here is one of the highlights - you can trust that everybody has an opinion about almost anything. In that way, it does remind me of home in New York a bit.

We’re never going to be French. We’ll always be ces américains here. We want to be at home and maybe comfortable in a new country. As a culture, France is a bit familiar and also completely unknown. Every country has a kind of “export version” that gives a lot of ideas and impressions of a place. France has many cultures within it, like anywhere else. And people are individuals - once you work out something in one single situation, it may or may not be so helpful.

And then there’s you: you’re going to have some kind of culture shock and I couldn’t even tell you where it will be. It’s the thing about culture shock: it’s a shock. It will always come from where you don’t expect it. That is its nature.  

I’ve had a lot of these moments, but I remember almost crying one day as I ate some of the blandest Mexican food I’ve ever had in my life - again. They just don’t get it here. It’s wonderful.

Sniff.

I’ve learned to cook better Mexican food myself and I have sought out more complex seasonings and spices in the many other cultures here. While I think French food can be amazing, it can also be a bit bland where we live. We’re working on it.

Our lives haven’t quite settled here yet. I am looking forward to that. We’re still trying to reconcile our ideas about what we wanted before arrived and what we think we want now. It’s changed.

While I admire a lot of French culture, I don't consider myself a francophile. I like to see the problems here as well and I doubt I’ll ever really fit in, but that we can have a good life here and we’ll fit in with some folks, so that works. I appreciate French culture's complexities, let’s say. It’s a fascinating place.

We arrived here nearly 2 years ago and its been an incredible amount of learning. I am still not much good at the language.

After being in Portugal for the better part of a year in 2021-2022, our uncertain visa status helped us decide to move to France. We were still getting over the move out of NYC and not knowing if we could stay in the country in the middle of all of the remaining Covid lockdowns made it hard to feel settled. We chose to go back to New York to apply for our visa and assumed French bureaucracy would take a long time to decide about our long sejour visa. We were pleasantly surprised to get them back within a week.

We weren’t really ready for that either.

So many things in a new country are confusing and disorienting. You need to reconsider almost all of the basics of your life (where are the eggs in this supermarket?!) at the same time.

Best to handle this slowly.

When we first arrived in France, we were out in rural Britany Moving to a new country like France can be disorienting, especially without knowing anyone. Our remote location made meeting people and learning the language difficult. Knowing French is essential for so much here.

I wish I had studied the language more before moving. Though my comprehension has improved, my casual conversation skills need work. Dealing with a real estate agent from Paris for a non-Parisian property added stress and confusion; a local agent would have been better.

Getting help with paperwork is crucial. The dossier, in one form or another, is an essential here. If you need advice, feel free to reach out. I'd love to help others avoid our delays and concerns, if possible. Things in France take time just because they do. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, maybe it’s some of the laws. Maybe both – I dunno.

Either way, you can’t rush it. You just can’t.

Understanding more social norms would have prevented some awkward situations. Discussing appointments, daily tasks, from grocery shopping to public transit, with someone knowledgeable would have been invaluable. The sense of personal space here is something that continues to throw me off.

Living in France is different from visiting; daily concerns are distinct. The real French culture is different than its tourist image, and recent changes, accelerated by COVID, continue to reshape it.

As a friend recently told me, some people think of home as a space of peace, of sanctuary, friendliness and familiarity. And it is. But home can also be a place of stress, obligations, annoying chores and difficult conversations with loved ones. This has been important to keep in mind as we've looked to create a home somewhere else. We may be in a new place, but we’re still here and we’re still with each other. Those constants are helping us to feel settled more than we have in the last few years.